So, you know that little book called "Eat, Pray, Love?" You might not have heard of it. I mean, it isn't like it was on the best selling list or made into a blockbuster movie or anything.
During the few years since Elizabeth Gilbert wrote this book, I have read a lot of reviews of her work. Regardless if you liked the book or not, I don't think anyone can deny that this woman has a special talent.
Back when I was going through a divorce, my mom gave me a copy and said, "Read this. Please." I put it in the pile of books on my nightstand. Okay, okay, I put it in the pile of self-help books on my nightstand. I mean, I was going through a divorce. I needed all the help I could get! And. . . .so it sat. For a long time.
Then one weekend, I picked it up to see what it was all about and didn't put it down until I finished reading it all, from cover to cover. I laughed and cried. Hysterically.
I couldn't believe that this woman was so in my head. How did she know every thought and feeling I had about love, loss, divorce, happiness, sadness? How did she know all of that about me? Because really, I felt like she wrote this book just for me. Just to let me know that everything was going to be just fine.
I have since pushed this book upon two friends who have struggled with their relationships this past year. And you know what? I'm not alone in feeling like this little gem of a book came along at the perfect time. It just may have saved my life. Okay, okay, maybe I'm going too far, but Elizabeth Gilbert's book blew my so-called "self-help" books out of the water. It was like my own personal bible.
Fast forward about 3 1/2 years later and for the most part, life is so very good. Except . . . . .except there has been a dark cloud following me around lately that I can't seem to shake. Rationally, I know that I am very blessed. I have a wonderful family and lots of friends.
So here's where the confession part comes in. Country and I have been trying to start a family for almost a year now. And I am still not pregnant.
When I started this blog, I thought it would be a great creative outlet for me. I could post pictures of different rooms in my house, of the dogs, of friends and family. I could share things that inspire me. I could write about my thoughts and feelings. Somewhere along the way I got lazy about posting and then sometimes I want to share so much more about my life but then go back and forth about how much information is "too much" and wondering about who is really reading this blog anyway.
With that being said, I thought about the blogs that I love to read and realized that even though I don't personally know these people who share their lives via the Internet, I share in their joy and unfortunately, sometimes share in their struggles.
I guess this post today is to finally lay it all out there in the open. We're trying for a baby. We're having a hard time and are at the point where we will start exploring what our options are. Please send us some fertility vibes and of course, prayers.
Which leads me back to Eat, Pray, Love. I was feeling pretty low tonight and dug out my battered and torn copy of EPL (personal bible, remember?). Flipping through, I came across this paragraph and it was perfect, so I thought I'd share:
"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
— Elizabeth Gilbert
How does she do this?! How does she know that I was just thinking that I need to choose my thoughts differently about this challenging time and send out good vibes instead?
"I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises."
— Elizabeth Gilbert
Starting tonight, I have to let go of that suffering feeling and trust that what will be, will be.